September 20, 2022 – As hundreds of thousands of viewers marvel on the whirlwind romance of the “Bachelor” couples and their extravagant dates, glamorous dresses and tailored suits on Monday night, a mental health expert takes notes on the candidates' relationship behavior.
Diane Strachowski, EdD, a licensed cognitive behavioral psychologist and couples therapist, uses media psychology to research insights from “Bachelor” episodes about dating and relationships about her Instagram Platform.
Fans of the franchise – also referred to as “Bachelor Nation” – are fascinated by the connection experiences of the “Bachelor” couples, which Strachowski says can provide invaluable opportunities for self-reflection.
“I use the show as a catalyst to start conversations about what makes a good connection? What is a good relationship? What are good criteria for a viable relationship?” says Strachowski, who describes herself as a “bachelor psychologist.”
Even after 20 years, the “Bachelor” The franchise reaches at the very least 3 million viewers with each episode. This summer, for the primary time, fans will react to 2 Bachelorettes – Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia – in a single season.
The success rate of couples from the franchise is around 30% – of the 75 “Bachelor” couples, 24 are still together. The emotional and physiological effects of the show's competitive element can play a big role in successful or unsuccessful matchmaking.
“It's about cortisol, endorphins, dopamine and serotonin. It's about all of these neurotransmitters, chemicals that we see in all relationships when we fall in love,” says Strachowski, who lives in Menlo Park, Calif., within the Bay Area. The show, nonetheless, amplifies these effects in comparison with “real life,” where couples often progress more slowly.
“The dates themselves are full of adrenaline: bungee jumping, helicopter rides. All of these experiences bring couples together because their hearts race and because it feels like excitement, like love.”
“Bachelor” stars often promise to “follow their hearts” of their decisions. But the matter is far more complex, says Strachowski.
“The decision has to be made with your head, heart and gut, not just with the person you are attracted to,” says Strachowski. “That's why some of these couples split up. They haven't had enough time to really go through a deep decision-making process.”
Increasing the success rate of “Bachelor” couples
It's crucial that “Bachelor” leads and contestants understand the difference between chemistry and compatibility, says Kelle Carver, a wedding and family therapist and owner of The Honored Place Therapy in Kansas.
“They feel similar when you're in the early stages. Chemistry feels like this person meets all my needs and is perfect for me. Chemistry can also be when you get out of that honeymoon phase, mystery, right? The dynamics that you come from and your family system or from past generations,” says Carver.
Compatibility is something much deeper, says Noreen Dupriest, owner of Simply Be Marriage and Family Psychotherapy, also in Kansas. True compatibility allows each partner to be confident of their personalities. So fixating on commonalities will also be a dating trap.
Sometimes differences can actually work in a pair's favor. Therapists give an example of attachment styles, or how someone forms emotional bonds with others. Although there are 4 styles, they highlight anxious and avoidant attachment.
Avoidant attachment: The person appears self-confident, but has difficulty expressing emotional
Anxious attachment: The person is more emotionally needy and is afraid that others won't need to be with her or him.
“Anxious attachment means, 'Am I not enough or will they see me?' They typically seek out an avoidantly attached person and get along very well with them. That avoidant is so afraid of abandonment that they can rescue that anxious attachment,” says Dupriest.
Bachelor stars reflect on true love after the show
The stars of the Bachelor series also shared their experiences in exclusive interviews with WebMD. Ben Higgins, Bachelor of season 20, said that questions on compatibility arose after the show and he soon realized what he really needed in a partner.
“That changed for me. I wanted someone who had a heart for people, who was genuine and caring. Someone who would stand by the people who felt the least, no matter what. I knew that if they felt that way about other people, they would feel that way about me,” he says.
Ashley Iaconetti-Haibon, host of the show “Almost Famous” PodcastShe says that the romantic sparks in her relationship together with her Bachelor in Paradise co-star and eventual husband Jared Haibon flared after the 2 got to know one another a little bit higher.
“I think a lot of people think that chemistry is something you feel right away. In my relationship with my husband on 'Bachelor in Paradise,' it was interesting because I knew they were compatible. But my nerves got in the way of the chemistry,” says Iaconetti-Haibon, who also owns Audrey's Coffee House and Lounge in Rhode Island.
Life after the show could be difficult and couples often need more time before saying “I do,” Higgins says.
“I think it is [the show] a great way to meet someone who can potentially become your life partner. I don't know anyone who comes straight off the show – even if they're so confident in that moment that this is the person for them – and says, 'Hey, let's get married next week,'” Higgins says. author from Alone in sight: In search of Connection When you are seen but not recognized.
Things have changed a lot since the franchise began, and Bachelor stars often gain a social media following through the show. While this can raise doubts about a person's motives for applying, season six Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky-Manno says the answer isn't black and white — and it doesn't have to be.
“If someone is on the show and isn't really into you, you'll be able to smell it at the end. If someone is on the show to be famous and actually falls in love with you, you'll sense that too,” she says.
The fact that there are a number of successful “Bachelor” franchise couples is remarkable in itself, says Fedotowsky-Manno, who can be co-owner of 1to3 Life Hydration Accelerator, a low-calorie electrolyte Drink mix.
“If you take a look at the statistics a little bit in a different way and take into consideration how lots of the men you met randomly in a bar over the course of your life did you find yourself dating and what number of did you find yourself being engaged to?” she says.
Higgins says that while his “Bachelor” journey didn’t end in true love, his experience ultimately led him to his wife, Jessica.
“I discovered my wife once I was after the show pondering, 'OK, that is what I used to be pondering throughout the show once I had to satisfy 30 people and work with them to see if we could work together. That's what I used to be searching for then. That wasn't working for me. What can I search for now? And I discovered it.'”
Be yourself
Being authentic and presenting yourself as truthfully as possible can save “Bachelor” relationships and “real” couples from later turmoil, says Strachowski.
“If I act like I'm the cool girl who doesn't need anything, I'll eventually catch my partner off guard. I can't sustain this 'I-doing' perpetually. Ask for what you would like and want. No excuses.”