February 10, 2023 – Cancer is just not only a devastating personal diagnosis. It extends beyond that, into on a regular basis relationships with complex social rules and even its own vocabulary. It is a disease that has touched just about everyone not directly, and yet few people need to give it some thought, let alone speak about it.
There isn't any one-size-fits-all strategy that governs when to inform someone you have got or have had cancer, the best way to tell them, and who to inform. Best practices for disclosure in dating and intimate relationships, at work, and even with friends may vary depending on the form of cancer, age, or context. But irrespective of who you ask—psychologists, profession experts, or the patients themselves—one common denominator stays: It's personal.
Relationships, timing and vulnerability
Talking about your cancer might be difficult, especially relating to relationships and dating. The American Cancer Society refers to Challenges corresponding to feeling unattractive due to a change in appearance, problems with sexual function (e.g. vaginal dryness, erectile dysfunction, or fertility problems), fear of being naked in front of another person, and questions on the best way to find someone who's excited about dating a one who has or has had cancer.
“When you first date someone, whether or not to discuss cancer status depends on [if] you think it is a friendship that is going somewhere, a relationship that has potential to grow,” explains Anita Astley, a licensed marriage and family therapist and writer of Get your life and relationships so as.
Samantha Cummisa 53-year-old breast cancer survivor with BRCA mutations, says she “wouldn’t usually tell anyone right away unless it comes up, like when people talk about their family and [mention] 'My sister had cancer,' and then I wouldn't hold back. Or if someone asks, 'Why don't you have kids?' I might bring it up right away.” (As part of her treatment, Cummis had her ovaries removed.) Cummis believes that holding back for too long, especially if the relationship is going well after the first few dates, could raise trust issues.
But she also stresses that context is crucial. A person with stage IV lung cancer who has survived the disease for 10 years may have a different attitude toward dating than she, who has been battling cancer for 15 years and has scars that she says are sexual in nature.
“I have to tell someone I'm with before I take my shirt off,” she says.
Patty Moran, PhD, clinical psychologist at the Helen Diller Family Comprehensive Cancer Center at the University of California-San Franciscosays, “Keeping it a secret is a real burden. If someone reacts badly or is not accepting or supportive, there comes a point where it's better to know than not to know; you don't want to continue with a relationship and then find out months later that someone reacted badly.”
Fortunately, research suggests that fears about how someone will react to the information are not always reality. Results from a study Examining people's interest in dating cancer survivors shows that single and divorced people are just as likely to be interested in dating cancer survivors as people with no history of cancer, unless they are still in active treatment. In these cases, widowed people expressed little interest in dating cancer survivors, mainly because they had already experienced the loss of a loved one. This is where age comes into play.
“If you're in your late 20s or 30s, you might go on four or five dates,” she says. I think if you're older, maybe on the first or second date; if the person can't handle that, then there's no point going on any more dates with them,” Astley says.
The experience of 37-year-old Steve Rubin is very different from that of Cummis. He was diagnosed with a rare bone cancer (Osteosarcoma) at age 30, Rubin says it happened at a time when his career was on the rise and he was engaged.
Despite the postponed wedding and several relapses since then, Rubin is often grateful for his good fortune.
“I was very lucky that my wife was just rock solid and fortunately we had many years to build a really solid foundation. But if you don't have that solid foundation, then I think you have to do your best,” he says.
Don't underestimate the impact of a cancer diagnosis. “It's a big deal; the person has to be OK with it. If they're the kind of person who's meant to be with you, great,” says Rubin. “And if not, focus on your health first and then on your personal development and invest in developing a life that others would want to live – not out of pity, but because you're focused on becoming a good person.”
It can also be helpful to have a plan for how you might respond to a person's reaction(s).
“I had to learn to give people space to process the severity of my story,” says Rubin, and his wife helped him try this.
Mastering work and profession
Many of the considerations you make when dating also apply to the workplace.
Rebecca Nellis, executive director of the non-profit organization Cancers and Careers, says that where and if you disclose is a selection. “It can change over time, depending on how you view yourself, how your treatment is going, what you need, how your workplace responds to what you have disclosed or not.” This is very true in online spaces.
“The way people share their information online impacts relationships and dating, as well as the job market,” Nellis stresses, noting that it's necessary to think about whether you can be comfortable with a current or future colleague knowing your story. “If it was on the front page of your favorite news site, would you be OK with it?”
And finally: To avoid possible landmines:
- Be strategic. Look for materials provided to you in the primary few days after you were hired, corresponding to policies and procedures or worker handbooks. Discuss any physical or mental limitations along with your healthcare team and find out about company policies on sick leave and absences. It can also be necessary to learn the Americans with Disabilities Act, which provides a federal safety net for individuals with disabilities.
- Decide who you desire to tell. Nellis says people often confide their problems to their manager slightly than an HR worker. On one hand, that is smart, because that person is closest to their day-to-day work and the task of deadlines and projects. On the opposite hand, HR employees normally undergo some type of training and are much closer to company policy. It's helpful to think about whether the manager knows what to do, or whether or not they could be a helpful ally and advocate for reaching out to HR. When it involves colleagues, the identical applies; you might resolve to share some information with specific people or simply a number of. It often will depend on the form of cancer and well-being. An necessary rule of thumb is to evaluate how colleagues have been handled in complicated situations at work.
- Remember that every one is different. While some people can't imagine revealing anything, others share plenty of information. Like relationships, the workplace might be one other place to seek out support and feel more like yourself.
“Disclosure is a process, not necessarily a one-time thing,” says Moran. Regardless of the setting or context, “you can disclose a lot or a little right at the beginning. Just be gentle with yourself about how difficult interpersonal communication is. If you stumble, that's OK, just trust yourself.”